Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Cost of Fear

I went out to run errands with my wife today and ended up at Target.  Not just any Target, but the one we bought the pregnancy test when we suspected she was pregnant with our first child. This was before we were married and I was in college and she had just graduated high school.
I was afraid of my mother, she was a bully and used fear to control me. She also didn't want me to grow up and leave home either. As we pulled up in the parking lot today I told my wife I remebered us going there to buy the pregnancy test 19 years ago. She remembered it too and mentioned when we told her mom that she was pregnant her mom, she told her why didnt you guys just tell us you wanted to get married?
That is the 60 million dollar question, why didn't I just speak up? It was because of fear and it caused me to be irresponsible to force an issue. Instead of being a man and approaching my parents at the age of 18 to get married, I let fear hold me back. Instead, I acted out sexually and got my now wife pregnant out of wedlock.
I wouldn't change anything now as my daughter is one of my most favorite people in the world. I just wanted to share this as a cautionary tale. My wife and I knew at the time our love was the real deal and it pained us to be apart every night. All I had to do was stand up to my mother but it was an insurmountable task at the time.
Never let the fear of others constrain you or the descisions you make. In the end you are only responsible for you and how you impact those around you. Also, make sure you are not the one people in your life are afraid of and walking on eggshells around. I never want my legacy to be a one whose limitations held others back and up to this point I know I have been guilty of that.  Going forward, I am going to do better and this memory helped remind me to do so.

No comments:

Post a Comment