Monday, June 27, 2016

Running Errands

For over an hour we were driving around in the car on a Saturday. It was actually one where she didn't have homework and could come along, with conditions of course. She couldn't eat where I wanted to since she is on a diet again... Ugh! On top of that, the conversation with her penpals was more interesting than me anyway.

I finally get the courage to speak up. I tell her it would be nice to have a realtionship where I had a friend who was interested in me. I told her how ridiculous it was that for over an hour we didn't speak to one another. I also mentioned at home she goes into the bedroom by herself and doesn't interact with any of us. I awaited her response, hoping this time she would get my point and things might start to get better.

It would not be as she projected back on to me everything I just told her. As I have gotten braver and shared my feelings of emptiness in our marriage, this is always the response. It is like she steals my emotions like a black hole sucks in light. There is no being heard by a narcissist, or an apology. Hell, they never do anything wrong intheir mind and you are just a puppet in a warped reality in their head.

The eve of my 20th anniversary

We had grown apart over the last 2 years. The home daycare and the church change were very stressful on our marriage. Actually, we joined a gym and started working out together. I was feeling really good about the state  of our marriage as we were close again. Then one night a week before our 20th anniversary, my wife tells me that she wouldn't date me if we were both single. I was heartbroken, and I  realized I was not dealing with a healthy individual.

This was the same day she received a job offer so she could quit doing the home daycare. Of course it would be a large paycut, but she was going to go back to school. There is one constant in our marriage, I am the responsible adult. There was no way to have an adult discussion about this emotional blackeye and she went to bed that night and slept like a baby while I stayed up and fumed.

I realized as I sat in the dark that night that there never was a relationship where I was loved by her. I projected my needieness to the situation and got just scraps. Three years later, the slap to the face still stings as I try to keep it together for the kids sake. The weak grip I have is starting to let go.

Narcissistic Evangelical Wives

I was out shopping with my wife today and was reminded of the narcissism that was the norm at my old Southern Baptist church. I noticed 2 couples from our old church there talking and it served as a stark reminder. The women were chatting it up, while their husbands stood there waiting for the conversation to be over. This gave me a window into my past, when we would encounter people my wife deemed valuable enough to engage in superficial conversation. While during the whole exchange I wanted to be elsewhere, doing something  productive.

I tired of the shallowness and the beliefs attached to that world and hoped there would be a happy ending. However, it was not to be. The shallow relationships my wife craved were sought elsewhere once the church relationships dried up. I correctly saw that the church was in the way of having a close marital relationship, but I didn't realize there would be no focus on that by her.

I basically removed the main source of her supply and there would be hell to pay for it. I lead our family to a healthier Lutheran church and for the first time became involved at church as an adult. All of the efforts I put forth as a spiritual leader were rebuffed and it was made impossible to continue my involvement there. After some soul searching, I realized my faith is dead after the years of struggle to believe.

The wife has had a mid-life crisis after leaving the church and has tried to recapture her youth. There are penpals she chats with endlessly while I sit there like a bump on a log. Or the sororityesque group she has joined to further engage her narcissistic tendencies. Most recently, she has gone on an extreme diet to be come a body builder. All of this weight loss has been acheived just in time for her to go out of town for a month to work at a company where one of her pen pals work.

A normal husband that hasn't been beaten down would protest all of this and not allow the month out of town. From the bottom of my heart, I am breathing a sigh of relief. Do I sit at home for a month and eagerly await her return.? Or do I go out and have some fun and find a couple of opposite sex penpals of my own.

I thought I made  a move to better our family to leave the old church and maybe I did. The thing I learned from this was, my marriage was never healthy and maybe I have outgrown it. I no longer feel inadequate and like I have to save my significant other. I want someone who is open with me and is on the same intellectual level.

Don't  know where to go from here, but something will be changing soon I can tell.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Sports Bar Night

My wife and I decided to go to the local bowling alley sports bar to hang out tonight. When we pulled up the parking lot was packed and thought the bar might be full. We walked in and found a table that overlooked the bowling alley.

As we conversed and I looked out of the corner of my eye, the alley was full of white upper middle class kids. Then I started recognizing the parents wandering around from my evangelical days. It was a bowling night for the 17k a year private high school in town. It truly is amazing how much richer exploiting fear can make you. Use the fear of " liberals and minorities" to exploit upper middle class evangelicals to spend college tuition on high school. Ugh..

If I ever bought into a belief system that cost me 17k a year when public school is free then shoot me. I guess the gop farm team is deep and wide.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

3rd Use of the Law in Mosdesty

On my facebook feed comes another link to blog by an evangelical friend. This time it is by a mom who is putting a warning out to all the girls on her sons facebook friends list. I guess her boys can't handle their female friends wearing bathing suits or in tshirts with no bras. The funny thing in all this is the mom has a pic of her boys in bathing suits on her blog posts. So once again in the modesty culture we get the message that boys are uncontrollable beasts and all responsibility lies on the girls.

This type of set up will keep the cycle of porn addicition alive and well in evangelical circles. Which is essential to the survival of the movement and wil make for great embarrassing testimonies in the future. Sure there are girls that dress in revealing clothes to get attention, how does our species keep on? Instead of blocking the girls explain to your sons that they will have to understand that some women use this as a way to get attention from men. As men of course it is eye candy, but at the end of the day the woman you need to choose as a partner needs to have more substance than looks.

So by blocking these girls, you are making immodest dress a forbidden fruit. You are also putting the blame on women for men who are perverts and treat women like a piece of meat. The biggest problem with evangelical culture is the way they handle sex. They make a big deal out of modesty and sexual orientation but never realize how these lofty ideals effect real people.

Maybe the girl you decide to block you befriend and mentor her so she sees more value in herself. Oh that's right, it is much easier to use  law as a prescription for clean living. The law is there to convict us of sinful behavior and beating up people with that never works. It makes great atheists and nones out of those that realize they can follow rules without believing in your fake God.

Keep bragging that you are taking a stand but realize none of us outside of your small group are impressed.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Good Orthodoxy?

Is good orthodoxy possible, or is it a moving target? Throughout history, Christianity seems to over correct against heresy by going too fundamentalist or minimalist. Each side makes good points but holds onto one idea and takes it too far.

The Puritans were one the prominent forms of Christianity in America from colonial days to the 1800's. People got wise to this law based Christianity and realized they could follow the rules outside of the confines of religion and the Deist movement was born. It was a belief that God created the world and then took his hands off of everything and let the world run on its own steam.

To regain the reigns of orthodoxy in America, the fundamentals were published in the early 1900's to pave the way for modern day Evangelicalism. Now that Evangelicals have become fat and culturally irrelevant, the New Atheists have entered the marketplace as a reaction against this tired form of Christianity.

How does one find good Orthodoxy? I think those of us that have to think for ourselves as being called as theologians. We have to be willing to read all perspectives of Christianity and understand why each sub denomination evolved. We have to learn history, anthropology, sociology, biology, psychology and other ologies to really take in how elaborate the creation we live in is.

This is scary territory, when we read outside the acceptable confines of our current position, we enter a wilderness away from our comfort zone. We can't go back to where we once were since we are totally changed and now different. Is the diversity we see in nature something we need to respect and understand in religion too?

We are the sum of our experiences and each theologian out there comes to conclusions based on that fact. So when we read a person we disagree do we ask how they got go where they are now?  Do we look at ourselves and see why we reject the postions of those we disagree with? Is it pride or closed mindedness or just the facts don't add up?

I have no concrete answers here but realize that we are all on a journey. Do we allow ourselves the freedom to question and grow or do we stagnate and accept certain beliefs to fit in?

Thursday, July 25, 2013

No Closure

My Uncle passed away last summer and I went with my son and my parents to Chicago for a memorial service. I would like to say the service happened and my uncle's ashes were intered at the family plot but that would be too simple of an ending.

Uncle Jay always dated large boisterous and controlling women who had money. He wanted to spen his paycheck on his boat and to drink every night at his favorite bar. He even knocked up the neighbor lady and when the kid came out looking like him the cuckolded husband sucked a tailpipe in the garage. Many years later he had the garage rebuilt and finally parked his car in there after shacking up with her many years before  the funny thing is the old garage seemed fine to me, so he must have been a little superstitious.

After this long term gal passed away my uncle met a new broad at the local watering hole named Pattie. She looked like Ellen Griswold's mom in Christmas Vacation and was 100% less charming. She moved Uncle Jay to her winter home in Florida and he mooched off her until his death.

My uncle died broke and Pattie needed some cash for the cremation and wanted to dump his ashes in Lake Michigan. We drove 10 hours up there thinking there would be a service and boat to take the ashes out to deep enough water to dispurse them. We met this broad at a restaurant and she said Uncle Jay's ashes were lost and might not be there until the day after we were to leave.  We also were going too meet her at the local haunt to remember my uncle later that night.

We leave the restaurant and sight see for the day and meet up at the revered haunt for dinner. When we arrive it is clear Pattie left our earlier meeting and went straight to the bar and started piunding vodka tonics. When we finally all got seated for dinner she dominated the conversation and was especially rude to my mother and I. I snapped back with some witty jabs but lost interest and just let her blabber. I left that gathering with a huge headache.

We left the next day and the ashes finally arrived. My uncle's final resting place ended up being a stream in a forest preserve because nobody wanted to splurge for a boat. Kind of ironic how all those years my uncle had a boat and couldn't get one last ride on one.  When we are selfish, use people and leave no legacy we truly do die alone.