Thursday, March 7, 2013

Panic attack 20 years later

When I was in the youth group I would make friends with different people. It would be cool and fun to hang out on trips until the guilt started to work on them. Since I didnt buy in after my sophomore year of high school all of my friends would rededicate their lives and leave me behind.

Fast forward into my adult years and wife being on staff at the same church. I started to panic when she left town for a week to go to a tame conference at xyz megachurch. I just reacted with panic and was a wreck the entire time she was gone and didnt eat the entire time. I had no clue that I was associating my loss of friends during childhood with this trip.

It took many nights staying up late thinking and drinking to draw the association between stuff that happened so long ago. After I figured I it out I shared it with my wife and apolgized to her.

When we carry baggage the people we love the most fear us in some ways. I realized I never want to be remembered by my family as the guy that had to be avoided around certain subjects.

There is something liberating about seeing how your past is hilding you back and you need to let it go. On the other hand you feel like an idiot for not getting a clue sooner. The one hope I have is that my kids dont have the same shit to deal with that I did. For the most part I know that is true. They should be able to step up to the next level I couldnt reach in their adult years. Leaving a leagacy that is positive is the only tangible way we live on in our earthly existence after we die.

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