Toxic/controlling relationships never start out that way. At first they love bomb you and you think you have found the perfect partner. After a while though, the behaviors start to show up during the devaluation phase. You wonder why they are flirting with or talking to other men, why everything you used to do together is now bad and the silent treatments start. Just when you have had enough, they spring back into character and reel you back.
The tragic part of this for me is, I lived this cycle for 27 years. I was always angry, bitter and resentful toward my ex and didn't know why. After ending the relationship with her, I was able to feel all of the feelings I suppressed and have some closure as to what happened all of those years. The sad thing is after all this time and processing of feelings, I have no positive memories with her. There were times when I was under her spell and she was nice to me for a brief period, but those were few and far between.
How do I come to terms with the sheer loss of time and living most of life to date so miserable? One thing now is my life is 100% better and happier. It seems to shine a light into how dark and miserable my time was in the past. Grieving the fact that I was never loved and gave to someone who could never have enough is a tragic process.
Maybe through all of this my ex showed me my childhood wounds that needed repair. These toxic types create a perfect hell for you and use your baggage as a way to control you. I know I played a part in this and stayed way too long. I guess I needed to learn a lesson from this. It has been the most painful one ever and I don't wish this hell on anyone.
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Valentine's Day From Hell
Rewind to 2014, my ex wife had started texting penpals and left our marriage. At the time I thought I was stuck and had to keep it together for the kids and did so another 4 years until I couldn't take it any more.
She had grown distant from me after I put some boundaries up with her about the in home daycare she had. There was an expectation on her behalf that I come home from work and help her with her daycare. I was exhausted from my job being stressful and home was never a refuge. So once I put some distance between us to get some rest, she decided to meet penpals online, which in hindsight were just sexting partners.
I came home on Valentine's Day 2014 and had hoped to take her out to dinner. Earlier that day, she told me one of her pen pals in Arizona's wife went psycho on her and she had to create a new email address. Then we were getting ready to go out to dinner and my daughter came into our bedroom and said there were pictures of my wife at the time, on her social media in lingerie. After that, my wife was super pissed and was a bitch to me the whole evening. I know she had gotten busted for sexting a married man and possibly got hacked or had a bad setting in her phone. We went to one restaurant and there was a long wait and I couldn't stand being with her. I had us leave and went to another restaurant without a wait just to get dinner over with. Then we went home and I poured a stiff drink, and went the opposite part of the house from her. I slept that night and many others going forward in my recliner.
A couple of weeks later, I took her out to dinner and told her I knew she was cheating. She denied it, even after I recounted the facts to her. I also said she never sent me the pictures, so I knew they weren't for me. It would take me another 4 years for me to realize what a pathological liar I was dealing with and how she had no conscience. Pretty soon after that, she would find a more permanent long distance affair partner and I would be in hell for a while longer.
She had grown distant from me after I put some boundaries up with her about the in home daycare she had. There was an expectation on her behalf that I come home from work and help her with her daycare. I was exhausted from my job being stressful and home was never a refuge. So once I put some distance between us to get some rest, she decided to meet penpals online, which in hindsight were just sexting partners.
I came home on Valentine's Day 2014 and had hoped to take her out to dinner. Earlier that day, she told me one of her pen pals in Arizona's wife went psycho on her and she had to create a new email address. Then we were getting ready to go out to dinner and my daughter came into our bedroom and said there were pictures of my wife at the time, on her social media in lingerie. After that, my wife was super pissed and was a bitch to me the whole evening. I know she had gotten busted for sexting a married man and possibly got hacked or had a bad setting in her phone. We went to one restaurant and there was a long wait and I couldn't stand being with her. I had us leave and went to another restaurant without a wait just to get dinner over with. Then we went home and I poured a stiff drink, and went the opposite part of the house from her. I slept that night and many others going forward in my recliner.
A couple of weeks later, I took her out to dinner and told her I knew she was cheating. She denied it, even after I recounted the facts to her. I also said she never sent me the pictures, so I knew they weren't for me. It would take me another 4 years for me to realize what a pathological liar I was dealing with and how she had no conscience. Pretty soon after that, she would find a more permanent long distance affair partner and I would be in hell for a while longer.
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