As I sit up at night and ponder my existence, the one thing holding me back are memes delivered to me during my fundamentalist days. Fear of knowledge leading to hell or understanding science might better explain things than proof texting from the bible.
When you are subject to years of a fear based religious system you feel guilty whenever you find peace outside the belief system. You represent a threat to those still in the system and are to be pitied.
I have read and understood the shallow history of American Fundamentalism and know it is a lie but it still fucks with me. The inner struggle we go through to let go of brainwashing is painful and really gains us nothing on paper. I now have integrity and am making a change that will benefit my family for generations to come. Being the change agent has got to be a tough role since it has been hell in a way for me.
Authoritarian belief systems are brilliant in that they are near impossible to extracate yourself out of. Even with full knowledge of the truth the roots still are in your brain and have you second guess yourself.
So all of the memes of fundamentalism still challenge my thinking and try to take away from my happiness over a year after walking away. I guess I just let it ride and laugh my way through it and continue to blog about it.