Thursday, February 14, 2013

Tired of Myself

Sometimes I get in a funk. It usually happens when I start to process the past and I start to feel like I am becoming too self centered. The mind exercises are necessary to come to terms with my past and move on but it is still difficult to work through. I realize that I get proud at times and maybe some of my negative past experiences were partly my fault in some way. When I am in a bad place I wish there was a way I could put myself on auto pilot and maintain the status quo and check back in on Monday myself later like you would with a friend. When you meet with a friend every other week the tone is usually positive and the negative situations that have come up have been resolved and forgotten for the most part. I guess the challenge for me is to be content living in the moment and not wishing the present away. I am very goal oriented and want to focus in on a task and complete it and move on. What if I slowed down and just enjoyed the process?

As I blog about about my church past I am sure I come off half cocked and dismissive of truely genuine people doing the best they know how. I think if I lived more in the moment I would have realized sooner that I wasn't in the tribe for me and I needed to move on. I didn't need to feel guilty about it or let it inspire self destructive rebellion. I wasn't from a rich family or in the cool group in high school, I couldnt compartmentalize what was being taught on Sundays and write it off since the social part was great for me. Being present is realizing that there is nothing wrong with the people in my past but since I a wired as a comedian it is fun to self center and trash the stuff I didn't like.

Part of my fallen human nature is to blame others in my life for why things arent going well.That is one area I have been holding my feet to the fire on and I realize I am the main conductor of good and bad in my life. I can let relationships get out of wack and let people use me or I can set boundaries and have a more equitable existence. I have also realized I cant control others or get results I am expecting if I help someone. If help someone it has to be totally selfless and I expect no glory or satisfaction from it.

Suffering even if it is self induced can create depth and great comedic material. I just wanted to set the record straight that I would be nice to any of these people I came into contact with as I have forgiven them all. I am glad they are happy where they are and I envy them in a way. It takes a lot of effort to leave your much despised comfort zone and start over again. Also maybe my memories are incorrect, I could recount things that my own bias in thinking constructed. I could talk to somebody that was as every event I was growing up in the youth group and they remember it fondly. The risk with blogging is I could be full of it and my claims could be refuted by other parties.

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