I was sitting at the bar at my favorite hang looking into the mirror on the back wall. Featured in the reflection, was a person I barely recognized, as he was happy. After the initial shock wore off I thought back to where I was 2 years ago and how far I came to get to this point. It took lots of work to walk away from a life that never suited me and became literally unbearable the last 10 years as I became aware of that fact. In my past memory, I would have been home at my old house with the first of the 4 quadruple Evan Williams and Pepsi's I drank each night. This time of night dinner would have been made for the family (ex wife and kids) and everyone would have retreated to their corners leaving me alone. It was strange as house with 6 people sure was a lonely place and nobody wanted to hang out together. In hindsight, I realized everyone was hiding from my ex wife and her nasty comments about what was being watched on tv that night. You couldn't even tell she was watching as she was either doing homework or staring at her phone.
On the surface it looked we had an idyllic marriage, high school sweethearts and 3 kids. My ex was jovial, funny and put on a good mask in public. At home, she was incapable of completing any task without summoning me and frequently abused me with the silent treatment. Pretty much the whole marriage she was never on my side and always pushed me toward everything I wanted nothing to do with. It seemed like things would be good for a while, then she would ignore me/or emotionally abuse me and when I would get mad and have enough so she would be nice again. The rough part was, I could never have a disagreement with her that ever lead to resolution of any issue. Every argument was hours long and always was my fault never apologizing for any misdeed ever.
Looking back now I realize I gave up a lot just to have a few days of her being nice to me again.
I feel a hand on my back and the flashback subsides. My new girlfriend shows up meets me at the bar and as I turn around to face her I see the beautiful blue eyes I fell in love with. One thing about her is she looks me in the eyes and never with holds affection. 6 months in and at times I still wait for the other shoe to drop and the games to start. The learning about true love and trusting is difficult after being conned for a quarter century. Maybe I knew deep down I knew was just staying in it for the kids with my ex, but I know I had delusional hope that things would get better one day. Now I don't have those concerns with the new woman in my life and I needed to figure out how to settle down the low hum of thoughts about the past that won't go away.
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