I wonder if the trauma processing came up as a defense mechanism to finally allow me to feel anger toward her and distance myself for good. Now after many nights of bad dreams and flashbacks I feel the anger others feel when I tell them my story. For so long I denied myself the right to feel anything just to make time go by. Also, I had to still deal with her for a year after filing for divorce to get my youngest graduated from high school.
I even went back twice to try and reconcile with her. That meant forgetting about all the pain she caused me and pretending like nothing happened. She still talked to her affair partner the entire time and I felt gross and used again. She always had a perfect excuse to justify her actions too, so once again there was no getting her to feel any empathy for me.
Even as I busted my ass to get the house sold, my son moved to his apartment and keeping up with my job she was no help. She went to a biker rally one weekend to escape responsibility, took a shower while we moved furniture to her mothers house and when she was painting the living room at the house she left to go shopping. At every turn she was worthless and contributed nothing to the household. Getting away from her has been a net gain in every way for me.
So if I know empirically that she was awful for me why do I think about her all the time? Its so frustrating and I want this all to pass so I can focus on the present which is awesome btw. There were so many things I buried over the years and it seems I get to feel years of trauma in less than a month. Surely this has to be ending soon.
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