Nightmares

I have been having nightmares where certain traumatic events from my marriage come up and get replayed. It goes back 6 years to when I still had hope that things were salvageable and I feel like I did back then.  The sadness, emptiness and lonely feelings come back and wake me up. Now that my present is good, I realize what a hell my old life was and it scares me that I tolerated that treatment.

I want to move past this trauma and feel normal again. I did everything in my power to get away and improve my life. Just tired of these dreams bringing it all back. The main theme in these flashbacks is the hope I had that was foolish. I thought one day things would finally be good with my ex wife and there was something I was doing wrong that kept derailing that.  

In this case, my hope was a source of trauma for me and kept me bound to an abuser. The things I hoped for are freely given in my new relationship and I don't have to feel like my needs are a pain in someones ass. When I go back to how I used to feel, I want to hug and counsel my old self. How tragic this was and how much I suffered trying to have a relationship with a toxic person. Hoping now that I know my hope was toxic, I can start to let go the past more.