Postmortem From Talk

When I talked to the ex for the non apology from her she said some stuff that stuck with me and made me really angry. It has been churning in my brain and I am hoping to let go of it if I type it out. The first thing I noticed was the splitting I experienced during the talk. She was either totally happy to be single now or she was devastated that she was alone and crying all the time. Also, to her the marriage was all bad and then she would change and say there were good times too. Just UGH..

Then she started telling me she is making strides in therapy and is all better now. When I asked her if she had told her therapist about certain traumas in her past, she said she didn't, which makes me wonder if there is accurate information shared to make progress. It was a valiant effort on her part to try to give me hope that she might change and be able to have a healthy relationship. Cruel really as I was with her for over a quarter of a century and suffered mightily under her regime.

I was able to get her bottom line for the apology though, she found out I was moving on with someone else and wanted to offer her advise. She hoped that I was going to stay single for a year, learn to love myself and choose her at the end of said year. This was really rich on her part as all I have done is wait for her to show up. Let's see I supported her through 6 years of school and a month of going to work with her affair partner in Ms. So what prize am I gonna receive for living like a monk for another year? I have learned through all of this that if it isn't good now it never will be.

So feeling the feelings of disgust, sadness, frustration and grief are what I am doing with this. For too long I avoided them and now I have to sit through them as they come in waves. With a living person, grief is a tricky situation. I am grieving the loss of the marriage that could have been and the person would probably take me back. Then there is the knowing that if I went back it would never be good and I would be miserable again. Coming to terms with this loss and the projection of my good qualities on a bad person tells me I am grieving a figment of my imagination.