Was it all bad?

 As I look back on my former marriage, I am trying to see the good in it. This is hard for me as I still see it all bad except for the kids and the memories associated with them. About 18 years in, to my 27 year relationship with my ex I changed and started putting boundaries up at work. Little did I know that when that made my life better there, it would end my marriage. I started seeing how life could be better and I didn't have to put up with unacceptable behavior from people.

My ex had been doing a home daycare for several years and had poor boundaries with the parents of the kids she watched. She let them show up late for their children and expected me to help her when I came home from work. I got burned out and pulled away from her and instead of coming to me to work things out, she chose to cheat.

It was painful for both of us as I changed and unfortunately, it was the end of our marriage. While she got more consumed with the affair, I let the pain motivate me to grow and move on eventually 5 years later. On the eve of our 20th anniversary she told me she wouldn't date me if we were both still single. That is when I knew it was over and I decided to stay until our youngest finished high school.

Looking back now, I realize that even though I was kind of happy with her before I got wise to the unhealthy dynamic in our relationship, that I would have rejected her if I knew back then what I now know now. Even though what she said on the eve of our 20th hurt me deeply at the time, it was true and insightful on her part.

So the trick now is how to put the past in a less resentful perspective. Of course it's all bad now in my eyes, especially that I see all the years of manipulation and abuse. I did get 3 awesome kids out of it and it all wasn't bad either. There were some times when I was happy with her during a love bombing phase and had hope things would get better in the future during the devaluation/discard parts of the cycle.

I am glad the affair happened as it caused me to have the motivation to change my life and live more in line with my values. In some ways I want to leave my past behind me, but I know I can't fully do that.