I was out shopping with my wife today and was reminded of the narcissism that was the norm at my old Southern Baptist church. I noticed 2 couples from our old church there talking and it served as a stark reminder. The women were chatting it up, while their husbands stood there waiting for the conversation to be over. This gave me a window into my past, when we would encounter people my wife deemed valuable enough to engage in superficial conversation. While during the whole exchange I wanted to be elsewhere, doing something productive.
I tired of the shallowness and the beliefs attached to that world and hoped there would be a happy ending. However, it was not to be. The shallow relationships my wife craved were sought elsewhere once the church relationships dried up. I correctly saw that the church was in the way of having a close marital relationship, but I didn't realize there would be no focus on that by her.
I basically removed the main source of her supply and there would be hell to pay for it. I lead our family to a healthier Lutheran church and for the first time became involved at church as an adult. All of the efforts I put forth as a spiritual leader were rebuffed and it was made impossible to continue my involvement there. After some soul searching, I realized my faith is dead after the years of struggle to believe.
The wife has had a mid-life crisis after leaving the church and has tried to recapture her youth. There are penpals she chats with endlessly while I sit there like a bump on a log. Or the sororityesque group she has joined to further engage her narcissistic tendencies. Most recently, she has gone on an extreme diet to be come a body builder. All of this weight loss has been acheived just in time for her to go out of town for a month to work at a company where one of her pen pals work.
A normal husband that hasn't been beaten down would protest all of this and not allow the month out of town. From the bottom of my heart, I am breathing a sigh of relief. Do I sit at home for a month and eagerly await her return.? Or do I go out and have some fun and find a couple of opposite sex penpals of my own.
I thought I made a move to better our family to leave the old church and maybe I did. The thing I learned from this was, my marriage was never healthy and maybe I have outgrown it. I no longer feel inadequate and like I have to save my significant other. I want someone who is open with me and is on the same intellectual level.
Don't know where to go from here, but something will be changing soon I can tell.