Toxic/controlling relationships never start out that way. At first they love bomb you and you think you have found the perfect partner. After a while though, the behaviors start to show up during the devaluation phase. You wonder why they are flirting with or talking to other men, why everything you used to do together is now bad and the silent treatments start. Just when you have had enough, they spring back into character and reel you back.
The tragic part of this for me is, I lived this cycle for 27 years. I was always angry, bitter and resentful toward my ex and didn't know why. After ending the relationship with her, I was able to feel all of the feelings I suppressed and have some closure as to what happened all of those years. The sad thing is after all this time and processing of feelings, I have no positive memories with her. There were times when I was under her spell and she was nice to me for a brief period, but those were few and far between.
How do I come to terms with the sheer loss of time and living most of life to date so miserable? One thing now is my life is 100% better and happier. It seems to shine a light into how dark and miserable my time was in the past. Grieving the fact that I was never loved and gave to someone who could never have enough is a tragic process.
Maybe through all of this my ex showed me my childhood wounds that needed repair. These toxic types create a perfect hell for you and use your baggage as a way to control you. I know I played a part in this and stayed way too long. I guess I needed to learn a lesson from this. It has been the most painful one ever and I don't wish this hell on anyone.
