Met Her

I was at a local punk rock bar with my friend in 2016 and I was introduced to her. It was on the cusp of my wife going out of town to spend a month with her unbeknownst to me affair partner. She was wearing a blue dress and there by herself dancing to the local band playing that night. I was interested and impressed that a woman liked punk rock music and wanted to get to know her better. Unfortunately, it would be a year before we would meet again and I would see her at the film festival office when I was there for screenings. I wanted go and say hi when she would walk by the screening room, then I remembered I was married and why would I do that?

Fast forward a few months and she ends up coming out for a late dinner and drinks with several of us after a screening. I got seated next to her at the bar and we ended up talking for that evening. I was still pretty raw from my religious deconversion and  very lonely in a loveless marriage. The conversation with her was so fulfilling and like rain on a parched desert. She was so smart, funny and empathetic. When we went to leave, she hugged everyone since she knew them better than me. I asked if she would give me a hug and she did; wow, it was amazing and something I hadn't ever felt. 

I would see her on occasion over the next few months but then I got her to come to trivia night with our friends. From there our friendship would blossom.

What Happened?

My biggest fear was my marriage failing. I heard stories of friends through the years that were going through a divorce and it absolutely terrified me. I saw how my wife and I were never on the same page and I couldn't win no matter what I did. There was a lack of affection and alienation throughout our marriage and I took the blame for all of it. If only I could do something different and avoid her getting mad at me, then I would get frustrated and act out then feel worse. I tried to reason with the unreasonable and stayed in misery. Even as the obvious signs of infidelity were creeping in on her part, I still tried to save things. Even as I met someone who finally loved me as I wanted, I rejected her twice and went back to my wife and the shitty treatment.

I realized I was addicted to the highs and lows of an abusive relationship. I finally realized the hope I had that my wife would actually step up to the plate and be the partner I deserved was a fantasy. Everyone around me saw the mess it all was and I had to be strong enough to move on.