Met Her

I was at a local punk rock bar with my friend in 2016 and I was introduced to her. It was on the cusp of my wife going out of town to spend a month with her unbeknownst to me affair partner. She was wearing a blue dress and there by herself dancing to the local band playing that night. I was interested and impressed that a woman liked punk rock music and wanted to get to know her better. Unfortunately, it would be a year before we would meet again and I would see her at the film festival office when I was there for screenings. I wanted go and say hi when she would walk by the screening room, then I remembered I was married and why would I do that?

Fast forward a few months and she ends up coming out for a late dinner and drinks with several of us after a screening. I got seated next to her at the bar and we ended up talking for that evening. I was still pretty raw from my religious deconversion and  very lonely in a loveless marriage. The conversation with her was so fulfilling and like rain on a parched desert. She was so smart, funny and empathetic. When we went to leave, she hugged everyone since she knew them better than me. I asked if she would give me a hug and she did; wow, it was amazing and something I hadn't ever felt. 

I would see her on occasion over the next few months but then I got her to come to trivia night with our friends. From there our friendship would blossom.

What Happened?

My biggest fear was my marriage failing. I heard stories of friends through the years that were going through a divorce and it absolutely terrified me. I saw how my wife and I were never on the same page and I couldn't win no matter what I did. There was a lack of affection and alienation throughout our marriage and I took the blame for all of it. If only I could do something different and avoid her getting mad at me, then I would get frustrated and act out then feel worse. I tried to reason with the unreasonable and stayed in misery. Even as the obvious signs of infidelity were creeping in on her part, I still tried to save things. Even as I met someone who finally loved me as I wanted, I rejected her twice and went back to my wife and the shitty treatment.

I realized I was addicted to the highs and lows of an abusive relationship. I finally realized the hope I had that my wife would actually step up to the plate and be the partner I deserved was a fantasy. Everyone around me saw the mess it all was and I had to be strong enough to move on.

Running Errands

For over an hour we were driving around in the car on a Saturday. It was actually one where she didn't have homework and could come along, with conditions of course. She couldn't eat where I wanted to since she is on a diet again... Ugh! On top of that, the conversation with her pen pals was more interesting than me anyway.

I finally get the courage to speak up. I tell her it would be nice to have a relationship where I had a friend who was interested in me. I told her how ridiculous it was that for over an hour we didn't speak to one another. I also mentioned at home she goes into the bedroom by herself and doesn't interact with any of us. I awaited her response, hoping this time she would get my point and things might start to get better.

It would not be as she projected back on to me everything I just told her. As I have gotten braver and shared my feelings of emptiness in our marriage, this is always the response. It is like she steals my emotions like a black hole sucks in light. There is no being heard by a narcissist, or an apology. Hell, they never do anything wrong in their mind and you are just a puppet in a warped reality in their head.

The eve of my 20th anniversary

We had grown apart over the last 2 years. The home daycare and the church change were very stressful on our marriage. Actually, we joined a gym and started working out together. I was feeling really good about the state of our marriage as we were close again. Then one night a week before our 20th anniversary, my wife tells me that she wouldn't date me if we were both single. I was heartbroken, and I  realized I was not dealing with a healthy individual.

This was the same day she received a job offer so she could quit doing the home daycare. Of course it would be a large pay cut, but she was going to go back to school. There is one constant in our marriage, I am the responsible adult. There was no way to have an adult discussion about this emotional black eye and she went to bed that night and slept like a baby while I stayed up and fumed.

I realized as I sat in the dark that night that there never was a relationship where I was loved by her. I projected my neediness to the situation and got just scraps. Three years later, the slap to the face still stings as I try to keep it together for the kids sake. The weak grip I have is starting to let go.

Narcissistic Evangelical Wives

I was out shopping with my wife today and was reminded of the narcissism that was the norm at my old Southern Baptist church. I noticed 2 couples from our old church there talking and it served as a stark reminder. The women were chatting it up, while their husbands stood there waiting for the conversation to be over. This gave me a window into my past, when we would encounter people my wife deemed valuable enough to engage in superficial conversation. While during the whole exchange I wanted to be elsewhere, doing something  productive.

I tired of the shallowness and the beliefs attached to that world and hoped there would be a happy ending. However, it was not to be. The shallow relationships my wife craved were sought elsewhere once the church relationships dried up. I correctly saw that the church was in the way of having a close marital relationship, but I didn't realize there would be no focus on that by her.

I basically removed the main source of her supply and there would be hell to pay for it. I lead our family to a healthier Lutheran church and for the first time became involved at church as an adult. All of the efforts I put forth as a spiritual leader were rebuffed and it was made impossible to continue my involvement there. After some soul searching, I realized my faith is dead after the years of struggle to believe.

The wife has had a mid-life crisis after leaving the church and has tried to recapture her youth. There are penpals she chats with endlessly while I sit there like a bump on a log. Or the sororityesque group she has joined to further engage her narcissistic tendencies. Most recently, she has gone on an extreme diet to be come a body builder. All of this weight loss has been acheived just in time for her to go out of town for a month to work at a company where one of her pen pals work.

A normal husband that hasn't been beaten down would protest all of this and not allow the month out of town. From the bottom of my heart, I am breathing a sigh of relief. Do I sit at home for a month and eagerly await her return.? Or do I go out and have some fun and find a couple of opposite sex penpals of my own.

I thought I made  a move to better our family to leave the old church and maybe I did. The thing I learned from this was, my marriage was never healthy and maybe I have outgrown it. I no longer feel inadequate and like I have to save my significant other. I want someone who is open with me and is on the same intellectual level.

Don't  know where to go from here, but something will be changing soon I can tell.

Sports Bar Night

My wife and I decided to go to the local bowling alley sports bar to hang out tonight. When we pulled up the parking lot was packed and thought the bar might be full. We walked in and found a table that overlooked the bowling alley.

As we conversed and I looked out of the corner of my eye, the alley was full of white upper middle class kids. Then I started recognizing the parents wandering around from my evangelical days. It was a bowling night for the 17k a year private high school in town. It truly is amazing how much richer exploiting fear can make you. Use the fear of " liberals and minorities" to exploit upper middle class evangelicals to spend college tuition on high school. Ugh..

If I ever bought into a belief system that cost me 17k a year when public school is free then shoot me. I guess the gop farm team is deep and wide.
I

3rd Use of the Law in Mosdesty

On my facebook feed comes another link to blog by an evangelical friend. This time it is by a mom who is putting a warning out to all the girls on her sons facebook friends list. I guess her boys can't handle their female friends wearing bathing suits or in tshirts with no bras. The funny thing in all this is the mom has a pic of her boys in bathing suits on her blog posts. So once again in the modesty culture we get the message that boys are uncontrollable beasts and all responsibility lies on the girls.

This type of set up will keep the cycle of porn addicition alive and well in evangelical circles. Which is essential to the survival of the movement and wil make for great embarrassing testimonies in the future. Sure there are girls that dress in revealing clothes to get attention, how does our species keep on? Instead of blocking the girls explain to your sons that they will have to understand that some women use this as a way to get attention from men. As men of course it is eye candy, but at the end of the day the woman you need to choose as a partner needs to have more substance than looks.

So by blocking these girls, you are making immodest dress a forbidden fruit. You are also putting the blame on women for men who are perverts and treat women like a piece of meat. The biggest problem with evangelical culture is the way they handle sex. They make a big deal out of modesty and sexual orientation but never realize how these lofty ideals effect real people.

Maybe the girl you decide to block you befriend and mentor her so she sees more value in herself. Oh that's right, it is much easier to use  law as a prescription for clean living. The law is there to convict us of sinful behavior and beating up people with that never works. It makes great atheists and nones out of those that realize they can follow rules without believing in your fake God.

Keep bragging that you are taking a stand but realize none of us outside of your small group are impressed.