A Year Later

One cool thing about the church calendar is you have events that help you remember the past. Last year at this time, I attended all of the Holy Week Services by myself except for the Easter Vigil and the Sunday service.

Fast forward a year and my youngest son is an acolyte and my wife attended the Maundy Thursday service with me. My two older kids had homework or other commitments but will we will attend together as a family the Good Friday service. Last year it was unknown if our daughter would attend our church with us or if our middle son would agree to being baptized so he could participate in holy communion.

When I was in the moment a year ago, I was stressed about these things and shouldn't have been. Things fell into place and we have assimilated into our new church in ways I never thought possible. I have no regrets and am humbled by the acceptance and love I have received by fellow parishioners over the last year. Sure there were times I questioned if I was in the right place but it is difficult to find your center. Especially after leaving a church that just wasn't a good fit for you and one where you grew up and knew most of the rank and file.

As Holy Week starts, I celebrate when my family becomes united in a church for the first time. Now they all can experience the liturgy and tradition as I did a year ago that helped me feel sure I made the right decision for a church home.

One of my Favorite Christian Blogs

I frequent 3 Christian blogs, internetmonk.com,  The Wartburg Watch and Rachel Held Evans blog. Today Rachel's post hit home for me. She talks about doubt in the same way I have experienced it and articulated it much better than I ever could.

She is an author of two books both of which I read. Evolving in Monkeytown I read during my agnostic phase and it helped me greatly. She covered many of issues I had with the church and got the point across that our faith has to grow and change as we do.

I gave this book to my daughter and she said it helped her too which is totally awesome. It was great for me to find these blogs online to make me realize I'm not alone even if I am here in Kansas.

Thanks to all who step out and blog to help us lurkers who are too shy to come up with a pithy comment for each post. It is hard to step in and comment since most of the stuff I want to say has already been said by previous commenters. I guess I will comment here in anonymity to up my game.

Christianese aka Evangelebonics

During my tenure at my old church there was a certain vernacular people spoke in I never adopted. Using Christian terms sprinkled in to every conversation or saying God even directs a purchase for new sheets for your bed room. If I wrote this a year ago I would have better examples but more distance is a good thing in this case as memories are starting to fade.

All groups have rituals that the members participate in to show their allegance to the group. This Christianese along with homeschooling,  voting along Tea Party lines and many other works to fit in illustrate my point. There comes a point in time for some that the level of belief or works needed to fit in are too much to try to fit in any longer. It is too painful to pretend  and wear the mask any longer.

Any group with that has many tests for conformity are unhealthy in my  opinion. Also, their core teachings probably don't hold up to outside scrutiny either. If you are too busy trying to fit in there is no time to second guess what you believe and why.

I have to laugh when I discuss the Catholic Church with my Evangelical family and friends. They claim that they have a works based salvation plan but they can't see they do as well. It is like they are brainwashed and can't see the problems with their side of the street.

We as humans find it so easy to point the fingers at the shortcomings of the opposition without seeing our own. It is painful to acknowledge that I can be totally wrong about something or be self centered. If we can look introspectively at ourselves and own our shortcomings then personal growth can occur. This would totally take the wind out of the sails of fundamentalism and pietism. Instead of faking it and pretending to keep the rules, people actually worked on inner transformation then being a Christian might start to carry some weight again.

Tv Preachers

When I still had cable I would watch hours of tv preachers and couldn't get enough. Robert Tilton, WV Grant, Peter Popoff, Paula White, Binny Hinn, Joel Osteen, Mike Murdock, Jamal Bryant, Taketa Williams and many other charlatans too keep the list short. These people push a theology that God is Santa Claus and you get all you want by simply sending them money. Except for Osteen who just ripped off Tony Robbins and blended it with the illusion of his message still being a Christian church.

All of these hucksters live extravagant lifestyles based on the ignorance of their viewers. The businessman in me sees how they rent out a conference room at the Holiday Inn Express and truck in a busload of people from xyz senior center. The only thing else you need manpower wise is a piano player and a hefty assistant to catch the people you "heal". You get the offering from that day and you get lots of mileage from one filming being run over and over again on late night tv. I am sure that there are telemarketing companies who take the phone calls and po box services to process all the cash and build the sucker list aka mailing list for your ministry.

These preachers are heretics and low hanging fruit for many to dismiss Christianity.  Actually, most Evangelical churches take cues from these folks and try to be relevant and entertaining while promising results from buying into their self centered theology. Sola scriptura mixed with marketing techniques makes the bible nothing more than a Don Lapre get rich quick scheme except it actually works.

Many want to just pull up to xyz church and be told what to think. The problem is the people who staff these churches are human and make mistakes. I think the burden is on us as individuals to figure out what the truth is and not rely on so called church leaders. Some can fit in and not question things but I am not blessed with the sheep gene. I guess if stupid people want to send these jerks their money then they are free to do so. It would be much cheaper to go to your local library and get some books on church history.  People in red states reading and thinking for themselves is a pipe dream at this point.

Father Kapaun Interests Me

Father Emil Kapaun is a hero from my protestant point of view based on his military service. He had the back of the soldiers in his care during the Korean War and was a great inspiration. To acheive sainthood, there has to be proof that intercessory prayers to him from modern times worked to get him over the hump to sainthood as far as I can figure out.

As I study and look at all of the saints of the church, I can get knowledge and inspiration from them. I just can't get my head around praying to them for intercession. I think it has to do from my fundamentalist past where prayer was cheapened and abused. I currently look up to many dead guys writings for inspiration is that a form of prayer?

Maybe my form of prayer is looking to heros of the past for inspiration and the ability to abide. Life is hard and these guys had it much worse than I ever have had it. I think the trials saints and characters in the bible went through are meant to humble us.

So when I can get a day away from work I might make a day trip to Pilsen, Ks and tour the church there. Fr. Kapaun was real and is another inspiration to me on my journey.

The Cost of Fear

I went out to run errands with my wife today and ended up at Target.  Not just any Target, but the one we bought the pregnancy test when we suspected she was pregnant with our first child. This was before we were married and I was in college and she had just graduated high school.

I was afraid of my mother, she was a bully and used fear to control me. She also didn't want me to grow up and leave home either. As we pulled up in the parking lot today I told my wife I remebered us going there to buy the pregnancy test 19 years ago. She remembered it too and mentioned when we told her mom that she was pregnant her mom, she told her why didnt you guys just tell us you wanted to get married?

That is the 60 million dollar question, why didn't I just speak up? It was because of fear and it caused me to be irresponsible to force an issue. Instead of being a man and approaching my parents at the age of 18 to get married, I let fear hold me back. Instead, I acted out sexually and got my now wife pregnant out of wedlock.

I wouldn't change anything now as my daughter is one of my most favorite people in the world. I just wanted to share this as a cautionary tale. My wife and I knew at the time our love was the real deal and it pained us to be apart every night. All I had to do was stand up to my mother but it was an insurmountable task at the time.

Never let the fear of others constrain you or the descisions you make. In the end you are only responsible for you and how you impact those around you. Also, make sure you are not the one people in your life are afraid of and walking on eggshells around. I never want my legacy to be a one whose limitations held others back and up to this point I know I have been guilty of that.  Going forward, I am going to do better and this memory helped remind me to do so.

Worship with the Saints

Part of leaving black and white legalistic Fundamentalist Evangelicalism behind is taking in a more mystical view of things. One key thing in my new Lutheran church is the procession and entrance rite at the beginning of the service. As the cross proceeds in it is beleived that not only Christ is present but all of the Saints and heavenly hosts as well join us for worship. This can be tough tobwork out at first but it really explains why all of the Orthodox and Catholic cathedrals have ornate painting on the ceilings.

There is something about high church liurgy that helps me feel connected to the past and all of the people who have lived their lives and have passed on. I remember visiting the old Episcopal church in my town and the Book of Common prayer fell open to the right spot throughout the service. Think about how many times that book had been used throught the years to get that way. It was like that book was a welcoming member showing me the ropes to that church. 

That is the beauty of connecting with the past, there are many who have wrestled with the same questions we have today. In American Evangelicalism it seems they want to erase the past or have the leaders take from past theologians and not give them credit.

If I think about eternal life after I die and it is a similar experience to when I was here on earth then here is how it goes: I walk through the doors of the most awesome pub I have ever seen. As I take it all in I realize that I have arrived late at a party. The strange thing is I no longer feel awkward and everybody is familiar that I see. It is like all of my family members that have passed before me are there, even the ones I have never met. Since we share common ancestry I already know them and they apologize for all of the negative traits of theirs I inherited.

There are also other people at the party, all of the great theologians, comedians and philosophers that have inspired me. I get to hang with Tillich, Bultmann,  Aquinas, St. Paul, Jerome, Bonhoeffer, Luther and Lewis from the theological camp. After that I get to hang with Carlin, Hicks, Kinison, Pryor, O'Neal, and Giraldo from my comedian fan boy days. Then I get to hang with Kant, Hegel, Kierkegaard, Nietzche, Augustine, Russell, Socrates and Plato from the philosophical side.

As I talk to family, friends and the great tinkers throughout history I hope to learn that everything that matters is connected somehow. It has to probably be In way I can't understand right now in the human experience but it will be painfully simple on the other side.

Maybe this time on earth is just a way for us as eternal beings to see existence as finite and empty. Those of us who want or expect more focus a ray of light for those of us who feel alone. That is why for me the pursuit of things that matter means so much to me. I just can't accept that this earthly existence is all there is. The universe is so infinite and as a human I can't even venture off this planet. That is why I know there is more out there and this experience right now that is life isnso constraining.

Just participating in liturgy for a year has kicked my thinking into this gear and has given me appreciation for all that is seen and unseen.